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Sunday, 29 December 2013

End of the year show.

A few loose ends to clear up before we move into the new year. Mostly overlooked commercial stuff from Boxing Days uber review and a few reminiscences for you as well.

Our Award for best commercial house goes to a three way split, god knows how we managed to miss out on this last time, but step forward Disclosure for White Noise with Alunageorge, Duke Damont  and his Inner Cityish Need U 100%  and Breach Jack though not actually good enough to properly jack in my mind.

A brief apology to Smiley Virus as thanks to Mail ballyhoo I caught her song Adore You and its a really nice slow jam.  The video isn't bad and has a brief shot of her putting her hand in her panties (not masturbation) which brings up the whole pornification of pop all over again.  Its just a pity her skin is covered in rubbish porn tats, (see also Cara "monobrow" Delevigne whos underboob tats are so bad they look like she is going in for a pre op breast augmentation rather than body art) maybe you dig tattoos but to me they are just fucking shit.  To be honest you can see plenty of cam models / Amateur porn models (with or without tats) wank off online so the whole thing just relies a stunt, to sell, what is lets face it a track that could easily stand on its own without her "fingering" herself for the video not matter how brief.

They tried to get Ding Dong the Witch is Dead for when Thatch died, though to be honest I played that twice when Hugo Chavez popped his clogs back in January.

Finally Bastille Of the Night is an extremely weak pop cover of Rhythm of the night / Snaps rhythm is a dancer that is much more serious than cancer, and is so bad its actually more like contracting AIDS via your speaker.

Thursday, 26 December 2013

Boxing Day review.

Here is part two of our holidays special.  Incidentally why do Americans say that, its only Christmas really and Hanukkah if your Jewish the rest of the religions really don't bother with this time of year at all.  No one really cares about Kwanzaa and Eid was ages ago I know we have a big Muslim population here and its taken seriously.  Enough moaning here is my pick of the year music and book wise first up


I've read a few good stuff this year and its not all non fiction.  IUCNs book on threatened creatures is a damn good read though, check out the web version to see what is endangered.

Most of the time I've been reading Lee Childs excellent Jack Reacher novels in which the peripatetic ex redcap rocks up in town to solve a crime and bust heads, I've started on 61 hours and looks like its going to be ace.  There is a film of One Shot where Scientology Midget Tom Cruise makes a good fist of being Reacher despite him being knee high to a grasshopper.


Listen to a lot of music and such so here goes, good stuff first as always, and a hearty kick to the bollocks for all our losers.  First up Commercial music.

Award for Best song never sung by Fred Ventura goes to

Daft Punk Get Lucky. Featuring Nile Rodgers and Pharrell Williams and whenever I hear it I hear it sung by Fred Ventura with his thick Italian accent.

Best neosoul sung by a wife beater.  Fine China Chris Brown.

Forgot all about this but its a rather nice song sung by an utter cunt.  Lovely break down  that reminds me of the eighties and there have been a lot of tracks that have tried to take me back there.

Best song in need of something extra. Drake Hold On we're going home.

He has an ace voice and this is a good song that for me is just getting going.  I've tried tabbing off in youtube and bringing up old synth demos but so far nothing really matches the sound in my head when I hear this.  Even worse there isn't really a clean acapella so I can add the massive synth breakdown it requires.

Best song to come from New Zealand Lordes Royals.

We just wanna be Roy L. Gay Goose shagging in the back seat. We drive cadilac in our dreams. Ha ha ha.

Best rap about charity Shops. Macklemore Thrift Shop.

Not only does it remind me of where I get half of my music nowadays it also reminds me that this along with Lordes has a great message that it isn't bankrupting yourself for the weekend trying to get wrecked and waking up with god knows who on a sunday morning.  -1000 goes to Macklemore himself explaining that his name is pronounced Mack Le More as it makes him sound like a massive bellend.


Wrecking Ball sMiley Virus Cyrus

Is this a thing now I don't care about her twerking at MTV and I don't care about this song. However I do care enough to put up a picture of a bootleg towel of her.
Its the face on this that creeps me out.
Robin Thicke Blurred Lines

Don't care about the controversy of the video having some naked chicks in it Mirwais did it first. Don't really care that its much of a dull song, no its that Thicke comes across as the biggest bellend ever. #FUCK OFF.

Michael Buble Christmas Album.

Mr Insincerity himself manages to ruin Jingle Bells, which admittedly takes some doing, but he and the Puppini Sisters manage it with some aplomb.

Avici Hey Brother.
For the heinous act of marrying bland trance with Country music, two genres that should never cross.

Jason the Rolo Trumpets.
Just vile, but has one redeeming feature in that it reminds me of this old nonsense.

MY UNDERGROUND Winners for this year are.

Paranoid London. Paris Dub 2. You'll want the original demo of this as its an acid monster.
Altern8 Activ8. Unsuccessful Christmas Number One this year which was a shame. The mixes were largely lame as well except for one nice acid remix that was the boss.  There was the Obligitory dubstep mix as well which was total bollocks.
D'Marc Cantu. Tanzakuro. But mainly for the 150bpm monster acid track speedfreak that sounds like mid west style tracks by Woody McBride.
The Orb, Solid Steel mix, The Orb FACT mix with Lee Scratch Perry.  Both mixes are absolute genius and are liberally filled with the Orbs lovely plunderdelic style of dub house (Louis Armstrong, The Cranberries and quite a bit of Scratch I can here).  They're both available for free either on Soundcloud or from FACTs site and well just check em they're awesome.

Finally ASMR stuff. Not sure what it stands for but it largely relaxes and gives me the weirdest boner at the same time.  Its largely hot women whispering in your ear for about 30 minutes, in some sort of  non sexual role play role, I.E crystal healer or heavy breather, their aim is of course total relaxation.  We like Heather Feather and Queen of Serene both should be listened to with headphones in for maximum effect and in some place quite, though I have listened to both whilst working to chill me out.

Wednesday, 25 December 2013

Merry Christmas.

No really this is my favourite time of year and to start off here is a small review of stuff that'll probably carry over to tomorrow.
I've been reading through last years collection and stuff and mainly chuckling at posthumous nonce which is a great name for a metal band or indeed Lostprophets now Ian Watkins is in jail for fiddling.  We had a poor year this year which saw our local cactus society branch close, Youtube go full retard and both Maggie Thatcher and Nelson Nutella die.  I'll do all the music bits tomorrow so for today you'll get various awards and that.

Starting with.

Best Show on Television Award: An adventure in time and space.

Recreating William Hartnoll era Dr Who for the 50th anniversary is an unalloyed treat. This showed the struggles that Verity Lambert had bringing the show to the screen.  A few things I didn't know about that was that they had an Indian Producer, rather forward thinking for the early 60's.

Tennis. Andy Murray won thus breaking the sixth seal and unleashing the prophecy that the world will end when a Briton wins Wimbledon.  Didn't watch obvs as tennis is boring.

Best Youtube poop.
There's been a few in contention, mainly Michael Rosen stuff as he's the gift that keeps on giving.
I think you know what I mean.
If I had to nail one down its Chicken Pika's Michael Rosen's Adulterous Dad
as the sentence mixing on that is really nice.

Latest fad on YTP. Rog
He goes by many names but if you've ever seen PC virus total or some of the other shit he sells Rog is now a new favourite for YTPers. Also he also doesn't mind the whole YTP thing as well.

Miranda Awards 2013.

There are a few things I've seen which are largely odd or unwatchable.  I don't tend to watch the mainstream stuff like Strictly or X Factor and not even Steve Davis in the Jungle can make me watch I'm a celeb, so my picks aren't that mainstream at all.

Room 9.

This was billed as a South African version of the X files a mash up of two of my favourite things.  Sadly the execution on this was horrible and came across like the BBC doing one of its interminable dramas on a Tuesday night.  Its not that it was cheap but was total bollocks that did it for me.


Imagine there is maths guys that can crunch maths problems to solve crimes.  Imagine that unlike say Alan Turing or Stephen Hawkings they are Hollywood ugly (i.e not that) and American so maths gets corrupted into math.  Personally I can't stand that and the final nail is that it was several degrees worse than the most far fetched CSI Miami episode which to say is very bad indeed.

Other stuff that warrants a mention but no explanation.

Fox cancelling Touch after 2 seasons.
Syfy cancelling Warehouse 13 after 5 seasons, (its best to go out on a high I suppose).
BBC Christmas Robin idents.  Unoriginal but endearing nonetheless.
Manding Ngor.  South Sudan correspondent with an excellent name.
The axis of horror that fuses CBBC trailer with autotune.
D Love and his futile attempt to sell Digital Radio to the apathetic British public.
Discogs cancelling their reviews. So sad.
An ITV bumper involving ducks on a village green, that I've never seen since.

and finally. UK Gold showing The Two Ronnies Spectacle thus showing up the rest of you sad clowns just what comedy is.  Oh and plenty of behind the scenes stuff too including the Two Ronnies Down Under.

Sunday, 22 December 2013

Round up time of year.

Its that time of year when I break out the best of list for music and the Mirandas for television that has pissed me off, so this Sunday's little post is a small round up before we tuck into our Christmas meat.

Nigella Lawson.
This was big in the UK,thanks to the recent fraud case involving her aides and revelations about her taking cocaine as well as the break up of  her marriage to Charles Saatchi.  Do I care about any of that, no, its largely a throwaway comment in the Mail on Sunday about her being on Desert Island Disks.

The full line up is here at the beebs own page and makes for interesting reading.  Apparently she is a big fan of  Mory Kantes Ye Ke Ye Ke (Hardfloor mix) labelling it as a personal favourite, something I would never pegged her as a dance music fan especially a big storming acid rework of the original but there you go.

Bubble Bobble. Lost cave.
Didn't know this was up to version 1.2, but if you want to play a good hack of the original Bubble Bobble arcade game then this is available here.  I said it needed balancing to iron out the difficulty spikes and that is exactly what has been done. We would also recommend getting mameuifx as your main mame as it plays bootleg and rom hacks without much hassle.

More Christmas tat.

Went to Woolwich to drop off some donations to charity and had a look round didn't see many manic street preachers at first but that all changed as I reached the Mind shop.  They had a load of folk out from the New Wine church (now the Ebenezer Goode cathederal of god), they had the usual leaflets about jesus and some dude dressed up as Father Christmas behind a Yamaha Tyros2 keyboard of all things.  Its the first time I've ever seen a black santa, and this one had glasses as well.  In fact the Christmas stuff didn't end there as they had a mastiff with a tinsel collar at the bus stop near Primark, it looked rather ace actually as those dogs aren't really cute.  Coming back they had all came out of the wood work and there were millions of the buggers preaching outside smiths.  There is a letter in the Greenwich time moaning about the Chuggers and Preachers so can't be the only one to get pissed off by it.

Sunday, 15 December 2013

People Who Annoy Us

So I've spent the best part of half an hour dicking about trying to find a way of logging in to post this, as Google in their infinite wisdom decides I need a Google+ account even though my existing G+ account is never ever used.  Oh it gets stuff posted to it and if I'm surfing in Chrome I can even put comments on videos "lucky me" but if I use Firefox and who wouldn't I can't even do that as Google Plus is SHITE.
I've sort of fixed it now as I have added a X (its not an app we're not apples) to Chrome which means I should be able to sign in and post through that.

Normally I use Chrome for select things (I.E porn) as Firefox gets all my regular day to day traffic, Chrome also hosts a few out and out classic games such as Miniclip pool and Spelunky, and of course Spelunky Porn.

Nonce Sense.
Incidentally here is another one of my bugbears, NSPCC ads. They've got a new ad out for Christmas reusing the same child actors who by my reckoning must at least be grown up with their own kids by now, but with some added bits of onscreen gunk and a fey version of a Christmas hit.  Is this a thing now get some dopey bird to sing a light version of hit songs, you know what I mean Gabrielle Aplin's version of The Power Of Love for John Lewis last year or Lily Allen with the bear nonsense for this year.

At least they didn't include the clip of the little boy playing Tony Hawks Skating, but I wouldn't put it past them. Incidentally one of the most excellent and by excellent, I mean messed up things I saw, was one of the original ads with a laugh track added.  Its gone from YT now as is my inspired copy (i.e. massive cash in) largely for using Orbital The Box as a backing track. I'll add it to Mediafire in anyone wants it but like everything I've made it is awful and everyone thought I was taking the piss out of abuse rather than the ad itself. The perils of Autism.

Sunday, 8 December 2013

Christmas Junk

Forgive me if I treat this as some random update but have been busy with Christmas shopping and stuff.  Mostly getting stuff for parents and looking out for cards and presents so have been preoccupied and that.
Maybe next week I'll have something better but for now here are some unfocused stuff I've come across.

*Some hideous bear hats in Poundworld that are supposed to be endearing but come across as body horror.

*Finding someone had put some breath spray packs on the tampon rack in Wilkinsons, and if you got a dirty mind like me that is quite a bad stretch.  At least it wasn't Listerine.

*The only endearing thing I've seen is some Starlings singing down at Aldis at Thamesmead. They were all around the cars and on the handles of the trollies near Morrisons. A mix of youngsters and older birds in their winter plumage it was nice to see.

*Oh and Blockbusters is officially fucked.  The store there is officially closing today and they are flogging off all manner of gear at 90% off and various store fixtures as well.  They had Alien breed compilation for PC and a bargain basement bin full of PS2 football games.  Either Pro Evo or Fifa 03 they had Tiger Woods for PSP and Go Sudoku as well but to be honest I bought nothing at all as they had nothing that appealed to me.

Sunday, 1 December 2013

Losing Neverland

We didn't realise until it was posted up on Siliconera but the company Neverland is going into liquidation.
Though mainly known for the Rune Factory series of games they also did the Lufia series for the SNES and later other systems, which I've never played but have been really well received (IIRC Superplay gave it 79%).  So with heavy heart its time to give the first 3 Rune Factories a good raking over.

Rune Factory.

The original but not the first Harvest Moon Spin off, and if you've played Harvest Moon you would be at home here.  Basically its Harvest Moon with combat and a few bits and pieces to add to it.  You can marry and have children just like Harvest moon and they will not do anything much here though later series will expand on this.

It still starts the same you turn up in some no mark village with amnesia and have to take over a plot of land to turn it around.  You'll gain tools by talking to people and have a small cave to explore at the end of your land.  Where it differs is  that there are generators in there that spawn monsters and your farm tools will deal damage as well as dropping items that can be used to craft more weapons and armour.  There are a few ladies to court and settle down with, theres no gender selection here though until  I think 4 and beating the first dungeon (Clemens cave) will give you a chance to take on other caves dotted around.

I haven't played this in ages and had IIRC Sickly Felicity from the store as my partner, though I could have had the girl who ran the bath house.  (Pro Tip: exploit the bath house you'll get back all your energy and it only costs 10 gold, you'll make that back easily selling random weeds).  I remember the vicar was a miserable cunt called Wesley, and that the fisherwoman Sabrina was a total lush, sadly not dateable they have a thing against milfs.  The kid in this Cecillia becomes a date option in Rune Factory 2 predictably she is a maid character.  

At a glance what is new here.
Many caves to defeat, though this would be reduced to 4 seasonal caves in later games.
Combat with recruitable creatures that could be sent to work on your farm.
Thats it

Rune Factory 2

This is a continuation of the story set in Alvarna, you still have amnesia and for some reason you are in a different part of the country.  Your dungeons have been reduced down to 4 and worse part until you settle down with a nice young lady, knock her up and more crucially build a school you won't actually be able to explore any of the dungeons fully (and only then as your offspring).  Incidentally you'll do the ultimate dead beat dad thing and bugger off a full two days after all those things are implemented (though those townsfolk saps still hold you in high esteem).  So with school built and lessons to go to your child can learn recipes for making things and due to some pretty harsh unlocks it'll take ages to level up and make the best weapons and food.  Our bride here was Yue a travelling merchant and cutie in a kimono, although we could of had wannabe teacher Mana or Cecillia one of the only recurring characters from the original Rune Factory.  I still haven't beaten this as the bosses are tough and it takes ages to do stuff, plus time really drags here and your day takes what seems like a week to pass.  This is the weakest in series definitely.

At a glance whats new here.
Reduced caves to fight in.
Generational story that lets your kids fight your battles for you.
Days that drag on for weeks.
Takes ages to actually cobble together anything for making.

Rune Factory 3

This is a more modern version and isn't really inspired by anything that went before.  You still have amnesia and you still get a plot of land  to cultivate, however this time you get the upgrades from the later Harvest Moon games.  This boils down to you can throw items without them disappearing and seeds only fill one plot of land rather than a 3x3 square.  You can also grow seeds that will grow into monsters that will help you out, we have a floating lillypad to help us get around and something that becomes a sword.  On the downside everyone without exception of the ginger bird on the box is a mental or shapeshifter of some description, (Spoiler as are you as it turns out, you can turn into a yellow sheep for no apparent reason, maybe its set in Wales.)

Your choices are limited to.
Ginger bird (Shara), reasonably normal has a little sister called Monica who is a brat.
Narcoleptic shop keepers daughter, wants to go to the big city but is too lazy to do anything.
Raven. Near mute weapons dealer.
Pia. Squid loving mermaid runs the bath.
Sakura. Reasonably normal girl that runs the junk shop.
Sophia. Opposite speaking daughter of fat bastard mayor Jasper.
Collette. Perpetually hungry daugher of the innkeeper.
Daria. Flaky artist who lives outside town. Really loves rainbows.
Marion. Runs the clinic and is basically Joseph Mengele in a fucking dress, always experimenting on Collete.
Carlos the fishermans daughter, a tomboy.
Finally they've spawned a village in desert that holds a village of monsters you can date their leader even though she has a horn. I've yet to pick a bride but will probably plump for the narcoleptic shopkeepers daughter out of consistency.
Edit we've married the narcoleptic shopkeepers daughter who promptly gets herself kidnapped.

Combat is much better here and they've tightened up the time issue from before now the clock ticks down even when you are in buildings.  You also learn stuff by eating recipe bread that the innkeeper bakes, which makes no sense but is a nice touch.

At a glance whats new.

Systems imported from later Harvest Moons, i.e. Throwing stuff, limited seed placement.
Your house is basically a great big tree.
Most of the women you can date are borderline psycho or shapeshifters.