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Sunday, 29 May 2011

Edge 100 prophecies.

Miyamoto Cover. MMMM
Been rereading old back issues of Edge magazine, purely for fun but mainly to see just when they turned into boring their readership senseless.   Issue 100 is on our current reading list and along with a rare look into the heart of Nintendo (plus a special Miyamoto cover above) they give a list of predictions on what gaming would be like as presented in Edge 200.  I could with some poking about drag out EDGE 200 and see if they covered them, but seeing as this is almost ten years to the month (this is August 2001 issue though you can't really tell from that image above) that this came out.  Now totally unedited we'll give you a run down on some of the predicitons.

First up, everyones favourite, way out predicitons.

In  eight years all UK game magazines will have folded.  Filling the void will be German publications featuring games and women's tits.  Eventually they will discover that boys already have a game to play with pictures of tits.  The company will eventually drop the games section and just feature tits.  OldmanMurray.

The convergence of different entertainment sectors will have taken a huge leap.   Edge will be reviewing films, which we will develop and which people will play and also star in.  No more crappy mice and joypads - the user interface will be the user him/herself.  How do I know all this? Because we are already doing most of it in Actor.  Mevlut  Dinc Vivid Image.

Broadband Internet in more than ten homes finally might be a reality, and maybe somebody has figured out a way to make money with it.  Microsoft will have the Y-Box, Sony the PS9 and Nintendo, well, the Virtual Boy Color.  The biggest revelation of the year will be that Yamauchi san secretly was the owner of Square all along to rake in the profit from both Nintendo and Sony at the same time.   And, of course, he won't have retired.  Julian Eggebrecht Factor 5.

The high end game system will disappear.  Only cheap toy-like systems for children will survive.  The TV set and the PC will merge into a new device on which people will play.  In this machines menu, you will find TV programmes as well as download services and lots of other stuff, including games.  Hisao Oguchi. Hitmaker.

Near Photorealistic- quality graphics.  Persistent worlds with millions of players dipping in and playing from myriad devices.  Large improvements in behavioural modelling and AI perhaps leading to the exciting possibility of automated dynamic storytelling.  Demis Hassabis, Elixir Studios.

2009 - a world where the division between fantasy and reality is difficult to distinguish.  Immerse yourself in the best interactive gameplay, wherever you are whatever you are doing.  In fact just like Gameboy Advance and Nintendo Gamecube today - only even better! David Gosen Nintendo Europe.

Round 2, Half wrong predictions.

I think the big breakthrough will be virtual reality.  Instead of using a keyboard, game players will be in amongst the action in a virtual world, via headsets or other technology.  Peter Snow (He of the funny graphs)

In 2009 gamers all over the world will finally be able to play the 'arcade perfect' versions of the arcade titles they knew back at the start of the millenium.  The Playstation3 will be a broadband gateway to numerous worldwide gaming experiences.  The line between gaming, movies and real life.  The latest game from Square requires the player to to complete some real life 'geocaching' quests in order to progress in the game, Nintendo finally unveil the portable home holography unit they have kept hidden in development for 20 years.  Gaming finally gets recognised as a positive experience.  The first Olympics of gaming will be held in Japan at a new Namco park.  Gamers the world over prepare for excellence.
Alex ward Criterion.

It's naive of me, I know, but I would hope that by then certain publishers will have learned their lesson: that gamers won't buy crap games, no matter how many sequels you pump out.  To wit: a turd is still a turd, even if you keep doing more turds on top of it.  Step forward Army Men, Tomb Raider, et al - you big, stinky, mess-ups.  The ever excellent Mr Biffo.
This is of course what really happened in 2009.

Scarily accurate predicitons.

In eight years' time I shall be retired, but while there will be more online retailling, I believe that there will still be a mix of on-demand and traditional.  Why? Because human nature requires the the interface between consumers and sellers.  This scenario depends of the videogame proprietors adopting business models that combine e-distribution with traditional retail.  Roger Bennett ELSPA.

The keyword should be 'network' at this time.  However, this will not mean only that fact that software will feature online play.  It will also allow players to access downloadable features and buy games online.
Yukifumo Makino Wave Master

Videogames will be divided into two streams.  Both will feature network connectivity.  One group will be games with very high graphical level, requiring  a long development time.  The second will consist of games which will be based on their content, or concept.  Masato Maegawa Treasure (Boss)

Over the next eight years I imagine we'll be seeing a futher concentration of talent and studios, leading to an overall improvement in the quality of games available.  Unfortunately, I also think you'll see a decline in the number of original and idiosyncratic titles available: as the buying public becomes more and more 'safe' so developers and publishers will stick to pursuing only guaranteed licences and genres, avoiding higher risk titles.
Julian Widdows Rage software.

Sunday, 22 May 2011

Chucklevision song contest.

All this posting of the worst of the worst last week I totally overlooked the Eurovision wrong contest. A little shop of horrors in one.

Last year we posted this

"Hopefully next year we get Poland, or the Ukraine to do our entry, they always put some nutter forward (subs please check) up on stage, so next year, its a full comeback for Timmy Mallet, in a Tinfoil hat and massive, massive specs, and nothing else."
What we got was B list boyband downsy and Blue singing a totally non selected song, we came eleventh overall, and no I didn't watch it.  Moldova of course supplied the weirdness (Beehive hairdos and unicycles yessss.), Malta, gay men with flattops and bowler hats, and Ireland of course with perfect Eurovision act. Deadwood (Jedward).  Can't imagine how I ever missed them out of the horrendous line up of room 101 last time, knob ends on a par with N-Dubz.   Oh the show was eventually put out of its misery by Azerbaijan being crowned the winners.

Of course they'll have to foot the bill next year, so it looks like they'll need the Azerbaijani equivalent of My Lovely Horse to stop them winning again, we're not kidding (we didn't know untill we looked through Wikipaedia).

Incidentally I've been totally remiss in bringing you a scan of the week, the last one was from Famitsu and contained Dizzeeeeeeee Rascal doing fitness {not}.  So without further ado here is a nice non stereotypical picture of an African on a sugar packet, courtesy of Carioca cafe.
For 6000 wrong points imagine that on the side of a minivan.

Sunday, 15 May 2011

Room 101.

You know the book and the old TV show with Paul Merton / Nick Hancock. A place where all the evils of the world dwell and then some. Here's wikipaedia with a much better explanation of what I just said.

The TV show is the one I'm talking about Willis. Just so that we are on the same side here, we'll use the same criteria of the show, thats five picks of the worst shite imaginable, and we'll shove them into a pit.  Its my own personal list of suck. I'm known to like most things without exception, so  if some of them come across as strange or odd then so be it.  Its individualism dude, get over it.

Entrant 1. Marzipan.

I have never really liked this ever, and where there are foodstuffs of equal nastiness, {Baked beans come to mind} this is probably the worst of the lot for me.  Nasty bitter almonds and sugar combined to form vague explosive like blocks, that ruin christmas and wedding cakes.  In fact every cake it touches, how much better would battenberg be with a chocolate outer layer than one of crappy marzipan.

Entrant 2. Jehovas Witnesses.

Never understood this religion, their whole end of world millenarianism and steadfast belief that Christ is invisible and that all blood is sacred.  Oh and that knocking on doors can some how lead you to accepting Jesus into your life rather than a polite but heartfelt fuck off you weirdos.
Actually my hate on Jehovas comes from this belief i've held as a small child, that they are supremely unlucky, and coming into contact with them or their material will cause bad luck to follow you.  More exposure the more bad luck you'll receive.  I didn't say it was remotely rational, but that is what I sincerely believe.

Entrant 3. N-Dubz.

This could actually stand for Robbie Williams and his smug git ways, chirpy little can't Justin "Beeble" Bieber, or any number of hot, fresh new acts they punt on Kiss FM that simply fall into a massive grey audio sludge of rappers with recycled hooks.  What sets  the Dubz apart is this.  They aren't just rappers but they are also massive bell ends too.  Fappy and Dazer (we do know their real names) oh and Tulisa the only fittish one there, like a refugee from a Ben Dover council pram face special (and yeah I would watch that). There's plenty of decent talent in the UK at the moment,  Alison Moyet's daughter Adele, Katy B, Tinie Tempah (who went to St Pauls School and definitely passed by our house if we could remember which one he was.)
 The Advent, Underworld, Slam, Aphex Twin, Squarepusher, Ceephax I could list more, but all have more worth then remploy kids in funny hats that can rap.

Entrant 4. Cilla Black.

We would also like Nick Knowles taken into consideration.  Any way Cilla like a gopher in drag, all scouse accent and teeth.  We would put up a photo of her in a light up dress taken at Kids on speed, Comic Relief but its really not for those with faint hearts.  Like Knowlesy, Cilla is a mass of insincere, see also Inscincere Dave Cameron for a masterclass in smarm.  Thats Cilla done.

Final Entrant. Storms.

This is about the only true Room 101 experience here, I really have a phobia about Storms.  I got caught out in one when only 3 in Greenwich park and had to shelter through it with my Mum and that to say it was horrible is an understatement, from that day forward I've hated them.  Sure I can look at lightning pictures and say that they are pretty, but the actual real thing is over in milliseconds a flash then a rumble or a crash all uncertainty and terror.  In my ideal world they would hang like stalactites in the sky slowly over millions of years growing extra bits of electricity till they reach the ground and discharge into harmless showers of sparks. Oh and all thunder would be subsonic or at least under 10 decibels.  Of course there is no way in the world that this would ever be workable, weather just isn't like that.
Seeing as I don't believe maybe you could put in a word with god dear reader to make it so.   

Sunday, 8 May 2011

Round up honey.

Well that was an eventful few weeks.  Kate and Wills Married, Bin Raider shot dead by Navy seals, whilst
smoking weed and watching the teletubbies on his 14" portable  (subs please check), and PsN offline due to a massive screw up.

Not only that but we've only gone and found a bottle of bitter leaf tonic, and they've only gone and given us proper binomial names on the list of ingredients guv'nor.  So the bitter leaves mixture is this.

Ginger, Aframomum (another ginger species), Aloe Vera, Xylopia/Xylobium (last ones an orchid not native to Africa, though the first species is, and crucially, is used as a medicine) and finally African Mahogany. 
Though a cursory glance on the internet, reveals that it didn't contain any real bitterleaf at all.

Royal Wedding: Big Whoop edition.

Make it stop you cunts.

So a pretty girl got married to a rich dude, lots of posh birds wore silly hats and the world ground to a halt as it was televised to the entire nation.  The link in the opener is sentiments exactly in the massively trailed and overkilled royal nuptual day.  So though we did see a little of the spectacle, we mostly tried to avoid it, one thing that they did show was some old dude in Kanye West specs who was an ardent royalist.  The other was on Have I Got News for you and had two drunken mums commenting on the wedding which was ace.  I'm no republican, I was just heartily sick of the whole affair and its constant trail. 

Binraider killed dead.

Osama Bin Raiden was killed to dead on monday. He was offed in his giant compound in Sidabbotabad, 50 miles from Islamabad. Pakistan, by armed bastards.  Cannot get worked up by him snuffing it like that (he maybe a cunt but he was still a living person), though there are the stock shots of jubilant Americans, whooping and hollering in times square who evidently are.
There is film of him being killed, and a mass of confusion regarding how he died exactly (we're going for armed bastards), whether his missus was killed or not killed and if he was armed or not.

PSN to become the, PWN network.

Final story is the massive lack of security on the PSN Network now renamed in its honour as the PWN network. The hack happened over the easter holidays and succeeded in pilfering many account details, credit card info, and addresses, no thanks to Sony's complete lack of security.  Sony are said to bring in an ex NCIS expert to track the anonymous hackers, (not Anonymous) to Malaysia (though theres precious little evidence to back up this either).

As I've previously noted Sony seem to have bought a whole bunch of jinx with them when they made the PS3.  Not only did they start out right by including Region free gaming and backwards compatibility, they then pissed on their chips by stripping out PS2 support, then Linux (which was the impetus to get Custom firmware onto the PS3 and mass online cheating sigh, this also includes the well publicised spat with George Geo Hotz too).  Now PWN is compromised due to... Piss poor security. 

Whatever they do, Sony has lost a lot of support due to this, I have no sympathy for the hackers who did this, ( I neither own nor would consider using PSN nor XBOXlive or any online service as it just doesn't appeal to me, so aren't affected.) but have an equal dislike of Sony for their sheer stupidity and not locking that sucker down.  

Sunday, 1 May 2011

Honey guide not Honeyguides.

Hello lone viewer, are you blessed with a sweet tooth, do you like honey and books written by Nigerians. 
 You do!, wow then we have a treat for you.  Thrown out at work along with some Nollywood films is a small book all about honey and how it can cure problems.  Settle down with some bread and honey (possibly in your parlour) and lets begin.

The book in question is 50 ways of using honey. Honey can cure your sickness by Sesan Adewusi.

The first parts are about spiritual matters, which is close to the hearts and minds of your everyday denizen of Lagos.  Don't mind me as a faithless westerner, that we'll mercilessly take the piss at this juncture.

"Bee is an insect that god loves so much that he blessed human beings with it in order to use it for treatment and healing of any ailment/sickness."
So if you're feeling ill eat a bee, but watch out for stings. He continues.

"For reference purpose (sic), Check Quran 16 verse 68-69.  God created woman to rule the land (wrong ED).  God created an insect, he called its name Bee, he ordered it to live in the hole of trees and inside the rock with the authority of healing.
So allah created a bee and told it to live in a trees and healing rocks so far so good.  We have a quran handy, and we'll quote Sura 16 verse 68-69 in its entirety.

"And your Lord inspired to the bee, Take for yourself among the mountains, houses (beehives) and among the trees and in that which they construct.
Then eat from all the fruits and follow the ways of your lord laid down for you.  There emerges from their bellies a drink, varying in colours, in which there is healing for people.  Indeed in that is a sign for a people who give thought.
So there you go, much more detailed in its breakdown, involving bees who can make curative drinks in their stomachs by eating fruit. Hopefully that isn't mead, although as a weird correlation the previous verse talks about grapes and palm fruit used to make booze!.  Anyway, we'll further quote from the honey book.

"If one takes a look at the Quran, one will know about the secrets of honey and how the prophet  Mohammed (S.A.W) made use of it effectively.
We use PBUH rather than S.A.W, after the Prophet Muhammad in English but will obviously have to use random Aphex Twin albums now seeing as he started it.

Onto regular Christinanity and yeah it doesn't get any better here, as we'll see in this quote.

"Another story revealed to us that god invited all the animals, Phytons, Birds and other creatures living in the bush for a meeting one day. All of them were in attendance but he noted that bee was absent.  Without much ado, god sent one angel to go and call bee to attend the important meeting.  Eventually, bee came to that meeting and god asked why did it hide itself in the back.  Bee responded that it cannot stand in front of where all powerfull animals like horse, elephant and other big creature can step on it and kill it.

We don't know what Phytons are, luckily Wikipaedia does, and they seem to be one of the minor gods from the Greyhawk D+D campaign.

Phyton was once like most other nature deities, but now represents man's dominance over nature, which pits him and his followers against druids, other nature gods, and others who would protect the wild from mankind's depredations".
Not bad for a mispelled Python.

Anyway, enough of matters spiritual and onto actual cures and we use this in the broadest sense of the word.
We'll give you 5 uses for honey before ending this megapost.

5. To draw customers to your shop.
Buy a big bottle of honey at the step door of the shop and cover it with sand.
(People will come to see what this nutter is doing burying perfectly good honey, and what is a step door anyway, I'm guessing doorstep).

6. Asthma Cough.
Get a quantity of snail water (omi igibin) add some quality honey to it, mix together and take one tablespoonful morning. Afternoon and night.
(Sadly looking for snail water on google just diverts us to other honey blogs in yoruba or general molluscicides, hopefully its linked to this old recipie in english to treat venereal disease.)

29. Low Sperm count.
 Any man that is having watery sperm or low sperm count can never impregnate any woman.  That is why some women remain barren for life.  Some men believe that the faults are from their wives when they fails to be pregnant, not knowing that the fault may be from them.  I want to help those who are in this problem.  Go to the market where they are selling herbs and leaves and buy egbo ogbolo, cut it into pieces, put them in a big bottle and put water. Allow it to ferment for three days.  Always take one glass cup with one tablespoonful of honey every day.

On a related topic. This.

5.FOR GOOD ERECTION : Slice three big onions add small water then cock for 10-15 minutes when the onion is soft, extract the juice, mix with honey of the same quantity, then cook again for 5-10 minutes. Then store it in a bottle when it cools 2-3 spoons in the morning and evening after meal.

(Until onion is soft and cock is hard presumably.)

37. Eating In The Dream
Eating in the dream is bad because it can lead to serious sickness and can eventually cause early death.  To treat this, get a quantity of palm kernel oil (i.e adi-eyan) with honey.  Mix them together and take one tablespoonful in the morning and night.  This will enable you to vomit whatever you have eaten in the dream.  Take the same measurement both in the afternoon and night, This will enable you to excrete whatever you have eaten in the dream.
('()') not a clue.

Finally, this is a baffling way to cure impotence, oh and seems to be the source of snail water.

48. Impotence.

This is specially for men who cannot perform sexually.  Our fore fathers discovered that the combination of snail water with pure natural honey has the power to stimulate the promotion of sex hormones in men.

Get a big snail, break it and put it in a plastic plate, pour a quantity of honey to it and leave it  till the following day when you will be taking two tablespoonful in the morning and night use the preparation for ten days before you throw away  the snail and do another preparation.

Two words Cheap Viagara.
Peace out.