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Sunday, 1 September 2013

ZX People.

Well this is awkward. I am going to bite the bullet and be brave about myself and write what I have long suspected... that I'm autistic or have some sort of disordered Spectrum (face it you have to be to own a Speccy).  It only really dawns on you  that you aren't like other folk when you see other folk.  They know how to speak and how to do stuff that isn't awkward.  They aren't narrowly focused, obsessive and inward looking plus they have it all.  Me, well I have my family and... thats it.

I guess it started when I was little, I don't quite know how or when, but my primary school referred me to a patient group at the Maudsely Hospital at Denmark Hill, I remember going I think I still have some of the stuff they used to give out (a Postman Pat pencil sharpener of all things) and my mum made friends with the mum of a kid in my group.  He was called John and was much further down the spectrum than me, what we call Autism proper, I remember he read Lord Of The Rings and swore like a bastard.  His little brother was cool and we shared a love of snooker, both of us having tables to play on, but as for John well he wasn't like me and I wasn't like him, so didn't pay much attention.

I don't know if this intervention helped or not all I knew is that I was like no one else, few friends, odd hobbies and mostly alone.  I always though of myself as shy rather than an autist, not talking much helped and thanking my lucky stars that I could read and write and do base maths so wasn't quite a spacker like a lot of folk possibly think I am.  Then about 30 years later I read a book (actually this book) I loved cats having many over the years and it spelled it out in no uncertain terms.  I'm a cat (an autist). 

I knew what I was and where John was in the scheme of things, I was high functioning and he was somewhere below me (but thats OK, he's a fellow robot and us robots stick together). 

I still don't really fit in to the whole autism thing though, I hate sudden loud noises and loss of routine (ever wondered why this is updated on a Sunday and Sunday only), and get distracted easily, mostly though I have about 16 different things on the go at once, and while I may have laser like focus (to such an extent that I block out most things) I can lose focus easily unlike you more typical autist.  I actually wondered why other people didn't zone out like I could and wonder if its like altered states or deep meditation done by yoga practitioners or alternative therapy students / psychedelic drug users.

Finally its taken a long time to even find a name for what I am, I really hate the term aspie, its weak and stupid and reeks of weasel worded leftist PC speak.  Whereas Sperg, or spurge just makes me think of Euphorbias. It wasn't until Facebook and a post to a group (I've forgotten where they are Autistic artists if it helps) calling themselves Autists that the name clicked.  So yeah this is me autist and proud(ish).

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