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Sunday, 1 May 2011

Honey guide not Honeyguides.

Hello lone viewer, are you blessed with a sweet tooth, do you like honey and books written by Nigerians. 
 You do!, wow then we have a treat for you.  Thrown out at work along with some Nollywood films is a small book all about honey and how it can cure problems.  Settle down with some bread and honey (possibly in your parlour) and lets begin.

The book in question is 50 ways of using honey. Honey can cure your sickness by Sesan Adewusi.

The first parts are about spiritual matters, which is close to the hearts and minds of your everyday denizen of Lagos.  Don't mind me as a faithless westerner, that we'll mercilessly take the piss at this juncture.

"Bee is an insect that god loves so much that he blessed human beings with it in order to use it for treatment and healing of any ailment/sickness."
So if you're feeling ill eat a bee, but watch out for stings. He continues.

"For reference purpose (sic), Check Quran 16 verse 68-69.  God created woman to rule the land (wrong ED).  God created an insect, he called its name Bee, he ordered it to live in the hole of trees and inside the rock with the authority of healing.
So allah created a bee and told it to live in a trees and healing rocks so far so good.  We have a quran handy, and we'll quote Sura 16 verse 68-69 in its entirety.

"And your Lord inspired to the bee, Take for yourself among the mountains, houses (beehives) and among the trees and in that which they construct.
Then eat from all the fruits and follow the ways of your lord laid down for you.  There emerges from their bellies a drink, varying in colours, in which there is healing for people.  Indeed in that is a sign for a people who give thought.
So there you go, much more detailed in its breakdown, involving bees who can make curative drinks in their stomachs by eating fruit. Hopefully that isn't mead, although as a weird correlation the previous verse talks about grapes and palm fruit used to make booze!.  Anyway, we'll further quote from the honey book.

"If one takes a look at the Quran, one will know about the secrets of honey and how the prophet  Mohammed (S.A.W) made use of it effectively.
We use PBUH rather than S.A.W, after the Prophet Muhammad in English but will obviously have to use random Aphex Twin albums now seeing as he started it.

Onto regular Christinanity and yeah it doesn't get any better here, as we'll see in this quote.

"Another story revealed to us that god invited all the animals, Phytons, Birds and other creatures living in the bush for a meeting one day. All of them were in attendance but he noted that bee was absent.  Without much ado, god sent one angel to go and call bee to attend the important meeting.  Eventually, bee came to that meeting and god asked why did it hide itself in the back.  Bee responded that it cannot stand in front of where all powerfull animals like horse, elephant and other big creature can step on it and kill it.

We don't know what Phytons are, luckily Wikipaedia does, and they seem to be one of the minor gods from the Greyhawk D+D campaign.

Phyton was once like most other nature deities, but now represents man's dominance over nature, which pits him and his followers against druids, other nature gods, and others who would protect the wild from mankind's depredations".
Not bad for a mispelled Python.

Anyway, enough of matters spiritual and onto actual cures and we use this in the broadest sense of the word.
We'll give you 5 uses for honey before ending this megapost.

5. To draw customers to your shop.
Buy a big bottle of honey at the step door of the shop and cover it with sand.
(People will come to see what this nutter is doing burying perfectly good honey, and what is a step door anyway, I'm guessing doorstep).

6. Asthma Cough.
Get a quantity of snail water (omi igibin) add some quality honey to it, mix together and take one tablespoonful morning. Afternoon and night.
(Sadly looking for snail water on google just diverts us to other honey blogs in yoruba or general molluscicides, hopefully its linked to this old recipie in english to treat venereal disease.)

29. Low Sperm count.
 Any man that is having watery sperm or low sperm count can never impregnate any woman.  That is why some women remain barren for life.  Some men believe that the faults are from their wives when they fails to be pregnant, not knowing that the fault may be from them.  I want to help those who are in this problem.  Go to the market where they are selling herbs and leaves and buy egbo ogbolo, cut it into pieces, put them in a big bottle and put water. Allow it to ferment for three days.  Always take one glass cup with one tablespoonful of honey every day.

On a related topic. This.

5.FOR GOOD ERECTION : Slice three big onions add small water then cock for 10-15 minutes when the onion is soft, extract the juice, mix with honey of the same quantity, then cook again for 5-10 minutes. Then store it in a bottle when it cools 2-3 spoons in the morning and evening after meal.

(Until onion is soft and cock is hard presumably.)

37. Eating In The Dream
Eating in the dream is bad because it can lead to serious sickness and can eventually cause early death.  To treat this, get a quantity of palm kernel oil (i.e adi-eyan) with honey.  Mix them together and take one tablespoonful in the morning and night.  This will enable you to vomit whatever you have eaten in the dream.  Take the same measurement both in the afternoon and night, This will enable you to excrete whatever you have eaten in the dream.
('()') not a clue.

Finally, this is a baffling way to cure impotence, oh and seems to be the source of snail water.

48. Impotence.

This is specially for men who cannot perform sexually.  Our fore fathers discovered that the combination of snail water with pure natural honey has the power to stimulate the promotion of sex hormones in men.

Get a big snail, break it and put it in a plastic plate, pour a quantity of honey to it and leave it  till the following day when you will be taking two tablespoonful in the morning and night use the preparation for ten days before you throw away  the snail and do another preparation.

Two words Cheap Viagara.
Peace out.

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