Final posting.

This is the traditional bits I've forgotten part, along with all the bits and pieces I've watched on Youtube over the year.

First up missed bits.  TV.

Been a year for disappointing documentaries, the Big Blue live from Monterey Bay was a BBC live thing that looked at whales and seals not doing much.  They had Sea Otters which are cute as buttons, but to be honest if you really want to do this right, have a look at the official MBARI channel on Youtube, the sea isn't home to just large mammals and it gets much weirder the deeper you go.

Ed Stafford into the unknown.
In which the guy who walked the length of the Amazon, looks into anomalous areas on Google Earth and then works out just what is there.  An excellent show, whether its trekking through a miserable Siberian winter to see what would become a meteorite crater or some anomalous lines in Papua New Guinea, its nothing short of amazing.

Some Penguin Documentary with Kate Winslett.

Guy spends a year filming Flightless birds only to have it ruined by some dopey bird in the studio on voice over duties, Kate Winslett I'm looking at you. There are some nice touches to Jean Jacques Perrey on the soundtrack though and we found out that Adellie Penguins are basically Napoleon in bird form, bullying everything in sight. 

Lastly they killed Fatboy off in Eastenders. Its a small mercy I always thought he looked like Howard The Duck made flesh and his hideous rude bwoy act is painful.  So thanks random gangsters for crushing him in a car, that for me made Xmas.

Ads.

Didn't really have room for this in the last post, but Sainsburys have done good, bringing to life everyone's favourite children's character Mog to life (along with very hungry Caterpillar these are the stock books you read as a kid).  Shame though the story its attached to is more for letting people know about checking smoke alarms than a major supermarket. 

House of Fraser is this years Chanel 5 ad but instead of painfully earnest bollocks you have the horrible gangster crap.  Its Hip Hop nonsense, see also the one with Kanye West's rip off of Daft Punk Better Fast Stronger etc etc.

Music.

  I'm With Her Be My Husband.

The only high point of BBC2's Folk Hour is that sometimes you'll come across gems like this instead of real ale twats with fiddles, or CND berks with a grudge because Tories got in.  Nice reminds me a bit of Cassy's Version of Easy Lee, and bit of Cat Power which is always a nice thing.

Little Mix Black Magic.

This sounds like every kids birthday party ever, if for one thing you want to get a party of screaming hyperactive 6 year olds going then this will probably do it.  For anyone else this can fuck right off.

Internets.

YTP of the year is hotly contested but Noisepuppet edges it with his triptych from really terrible films.  A few honourable mentions goes to pthooie and poops4theworld for some great stuff.  Oh and Telstar logistics channel for amazing Michael Rosen YTPMVS his electrofunk rap is the best.

Thunderf00t for simply being Thunderf00t and that.  A few times I've put on his vids and found myself agreeing with them.  Plus there's some really neat science stuff too when he's not on a rant.

Sargon Of Akkad.  A few things I've liked of his but his talk with Erin Pizzey is top notch. Its of course to do with feminism and its 90 minutes long but if you can download and convert into a pod cast then please have a listen, its magic.

A few crossover bits and pieces are for /V the Musical 3 Take On Kaz. One for recycling A-Ha Take On Me and two for making it so catchy you'll want to sing along.  All together now What's His Name.

There are a few more good things here.  WhispersRed Youtube channel for calming me down and getting me to sleep, and Pantou from the paedo Brasseye special alive and well and lurking on the comments section on every kids gymnastics video.

Chrimbo update part 2

Hello loves, today is the music review of the year. Where I rattle through all that I've heard this year and what if anything made my favourites from 2015.  Tune in tomorrow for stuff I've missed such as Kate Winslett penguin adventure.

The good.

Coldplay Adventure of a Lifetime.

No I haven't taken a massive blow to the head involving concussion and that but the latest single Adventure of a Lifetime isn't bad, there's a bit here that could be done on a Roland 303 and yeah Coldplay plus Acid would be nice.  I'm still angry for them ripping off Computer Love though.

Aphex Twin.

Its been a bumper year for fans.  Two mini albums and a whole lot of Soundcloud releases for the classic stuff.  Orphaned Deejay Selek 2006-2008 is a bit hit and miss. Midi Pipe, Umil and Oberheim Blacet 3 are the best from this to be honest.  Much more interested with the Computer Controlled Instruments release as well much more interesting automated machine music.
Sound cloud wise (user 18081971 or whatever) he's been putting out stuff dug out of old tapes from the 90's and such.  Too many great tracks to go into here but if I list a few of my favourites you'll easily track them down.  14 Make a Baby (HAB2 off cut surely), 28 Organ, Early Morning Clissold, Parking Lot, 1 nocares will get you started and a there's a version of Avril 14th with the notes played in reverse order proving that even like this its still a fucking exceptional track.

Trip Records.

Nina Kraviz from Siberia has been putting out some classic techno with the help of some international friends and that.  Best of the lot is Steve Stoll D.U.M.B.O. which is a storming old skool acid techno track the kind you'd find turn up on Djax back in 94. I love it.

Taylor Swift (Bootleg Mashup).
Or rather Porno Swift.  I've done a few bootlegs of her music using classic porn themes only one is released so far,which is Porno Swift Debbie Does Dallas In Style.  Ironically her voice works well with the old boom chicka funk track.  There's also one that utilises Jackie Mittoo's Ghetto Organ and Shake Me Off, which is called Taylor Shakes off the Ghetto Organ.  Face it I monstered her last year due to what she said about 1989 and house, and I''ll say it again here.  If you were a white suburban American kid back in the late 80's then you wouldn't be listening to house you'd be listening to Debbie Gibson or Martika or Madonna when she was good.  You may have been going to the Muzicbox or some other club and that, but you didn't stick with it, which is why you call it EDM now instead of its proper names.

Other stuff that is also not released are John Legend / Squarepusher mash up All of Beepstreet and an Ellie Goulding Love Me Like You Do from fifty shades of BDSM and Billie Jean I Need You. Can remember the acapella of this dominating everything in the mix before I fixed the sound levels.  Pity she won't  do techno as she has a great voice when dubbed over mid 90's euro techno.

Merle Mimi Loves 2 Dance. Christabel Records.
Its Mervyn Sanders from ME and Virgo School Yard fame with a re released version track about his wife that originally came out in 1999 to no fanfare.  But its excellent and reminds me what house is like so its getting some praise here.

DJ Rashad I'm Gone. 
Footwork version of the Gil Scott Heron Junkie anthem Home is Where the Hurt is.  Periodically come back to this and just chill.  He had some talent Rashad but now he's gone.

The Bad and indifferent.

Uptown Fuck Bruno Mars bandit and Mark Up yer Ronson

How I hate this track, its so overplayed, it sounds like a bad version of the Really Wild show theme when they break it down, and Mars is a punchable MJ light. I've been recently getting into the good old funk such as Curtis Mayfield and Marlena Shaw.  So I think I'm getting to know what the good old funk is like and this is not good at all.

Meghan Trainers Some stupid doo wop track.

Another over played piece of garbage and that is always played on the radio and that.  Its dumb and stupid and she slimmed down on this so isn't as fit as she was.  Really does anyone like doo wop at all, I thought it died in the mid 60's.

Adele Hello.

Its dull and worthy but I don't hate this much.  Partly because she can sing but also its dug up a memory of a horrible night on BBC1 with Graham Norton and her sounding like nan from Catherine Tate.  I just wonder who was taking a fucking liberty putting this out I lasted all of 5 minutes before I put her out of her misery and watched something less annoying (Bargain Cunt on Challenge).

There you go I've probably missed loads out and come the middle of 2016 I'll have found me an new favourite track I'd never heard off. I'll just say that David Zowie House Every weekend isn't too bad and if you love your acid then Posthuman are definitely worth a look.

Chrimbo Reviews and the like Part 1

The Television.

You should know the drill by now, we get to review some of the greatest hits of the year on the box and that I've seen and dish out our Miranda awards for the most shite, waste of time there is.

The Good.

Not an awful lot to go on this year but what there is has a mostly supernatural bent to it.

The Enfield Haunting.  Sky One.

An excellent version of the classic poltergeist haunting back in 1977, with the excellent Matthew Macfadyen as Guy Lyon Playfair paranormal investigator and Timothy Spall as Maurice Gross who first logged the case.
There was a bit of carping from the real Guy in Fortean Times after it aired, saying  how they missed some of  the events out and that.  To be fair its probably my pick of the year, its all down to the genuinely grotty 1970's atmosphere it invoked and some excellent acting from both the girls in this.

Going Clear: Scientology and the Prison of Belief. Sky Atlantic.

A full on expose of Scientology from the people who were ensnared by this vicious and quite loopy cult. The UK arm is located at East Grinstead with satellite offices by Goodge street tube and a big cunting building on the South Bank, but in the US its Clearwater.  Its largely talking heads, but infinitely fascinating, seeing the sheer amount of cash suckered out of those seeking enlightenment and with many archive clips to back it up.
Wisely it shows archive clips of L Ron Hubbard as a deeply unlikeable control freak and nutcase (which he was) and his fantasist writings.  There is a lesser version of this on Channel 5 about escaping both Scientology and the Jehovah's Witnesses that's also worth a look too. 

Jekyll and Hyde.  ITV.

Its really been ITV's year, with the BBC looking increasingly run down, despite their better online prescence (ITV Player can do one) and a flashy new on line store for old beeb clips.  Been enjoying this much more than this seasons Dr. Who, more of which later.   Focusing on the son of Hyde rather than the original it brings the story forward to the 1920's which gives it much  needed atmosphere.  There have been some moans about how its too creepy for kids and I will concede that there is some scenes in this that are pretty near the mark.  Numerous shots of Lord Dance with his transparent skin and later on his mangled corpse are probably not what you want little kids seeing, but older kids and grown ups will certainly lap it up. 

My favourites are two female characters Natalie Gumede as Bella a nightclub owner a sort of proto version of Shirley Bassey with a nice line in attitude and Hils a secretary who just looks the part of twenties jolly hockey sticks.  ITV have spent big on  this and are doing their darndest to reschedule this out of all context and the like.

Finally I think Eastenders have been peeking at my sideboard when doing there nativity, along with shoehorning in some Islam into their version (didn't happen for another 500 years motherfuckers) but they are going on about elves and goblins and lobsters.

Jesus sacrificed to the dark, old, Gods so the sun can rise.

Done that and bought the T. Shirt if you want licensing  I can do unreasonable rates.

Other noted highlights Michelle Dockery on Japan, and the brave, crazy old ladies catching sea snakes with their bare hands in the pitch black from this is definitely worth a mention. 

Unforgotten, with its nice theme tune (reminds me of Himmel by Barbara Morgernstern) and multi threaded storytelling bottoming out with a lame cop out ending.  On a side note can Sanjeev Bhaksar have his own cop show, I don't care if he's cast as an Asian equivalent as Frost, as he was boss in this.

Finally a Kenny Everett documentary on ITV showing what a genius he was, cut up pioneer, wacky comedian, and maverick, still miss you Ken.

Miranda Awards.

Citizen Khan.

Because this is really quite vile. An unfunny sitcom with an Islamic Patriarch in place of the regular white patriarch head of family role.  Some one really should have added some jokes instead of giving us this "wrong on" comedy.  I'm not racist but Goodness Gracious Me did it better, a lot better.

Last nights Mastermind Celebrity edition, complete with a tranny, some black dude, Badly Drawn boy and a useless cunt.   The tranny won, she / he / it had her own sitcom on BBC which was uncomfortable and right on.

Dr Who. Which apart from making Arya Stark immortal and killing off Clara (oh come on its common knowledge) has been running on empty this past season.  The doctor has some stupid sonic shades, a penchant for playing guitar and as a rip off of Sun Wu Kong is trapped inside the war record for 1 billion years.  Its had highlights and that but, to be honest this season has sucked.

Midwinter Of The Spirit.

If you like Christianity and Exorcism then this is pretty much up your alley as its based on some old novels, if you are Atheist like me you'll find this drama grates very soon.  Anna Maxwell is the new vicar at some creepy old village in the country, plagued by a newly dead Jimmy Saville style satanist.  There is the bloke from Shameless as her mentor and lets stop as its bastard awful.  There's some nonsense about reconsecrating a saint before some fortune teller / mad woman brainwashes her daughter and Dead Savilles daughter into killing an altar boy.  Oh and the black bishop is a secret satanist too.

Its bollocks, I would love to see a story about an atheist exorcist who punches ghosts / devils in the face while reciting passages of the God Delusion but apparently there isn't a show in this.

So this is Christmas (No.1s and No.2s)

Come on you cunts lets ave some afx xmas.

Or more accurately Christmas Songs for the misanthropic or the adventurous.  Rest assured this is done on the fly and is no way an authorised best of list.  In fact its about as good as those bastard awful Listicles you get on Metro or Facebook.  A few of them might be foreign and they'll be full Youtube links for those who want to look further. 

My own criteria are as follows. 

No mention of Christmas, sure I use Slade's Merry Christmas Everybody as a sign that the festive season is on us and The Pogues with Kirsty MaColl's Fairy Tale of New York is a stone cold classic but you'll hear them a dozen times over the course of December which will drive you nuts. So they are out. Along with Paul McCartney's Wonderful Christmas time.  They'll be some Beatles though.

No Cliff Richard or X Factor singles.  I'm atheist so the thought of worshiping Jesus' birthday, let alone with some second rate shit is anathema to me, and quite frankly Cliff is shite of the highest magniturd.  Christmas to me is families, presents and quality TV not some co opted Pagan tradition.   Which neatly ties in with X Factor, which has patently destroyed Saturday night TV and the Xmas tradition of the charity single by putting some populist Karaoke bollocks at the top of the charts every fucking year.  Some of the Christmas campaigns against this are quite entertaining though and there is definitely one on the list.

Only Number 1's and Number 2's allowed.  Its a stupid lavatorial joke which equals the quality of the actual Christmas single, only those that made it to either number 1 or 2 are in don't care which country.  Which means you wont get  Altern 8 Activ8 (last years anti X factor campaign Rave Against The Machine) or Happy Cliffmas by Cassetteboy.
Here is a full run down of all UK number ones to date. 

Here is an unofficial top 10 and that.

Number 10.

Eminem Stan.

A nice cheerful song for you to start it all off.  Stan made it to Number 2 here, kept off the top of the charts by Bob The Builder.  A bitter blow, as I love this Christmas slice of misery.  The loop here is from Dido Here with me which makes it all the more haunting.

Number 9.

Rage Against the Machine Killing In The Name.

I don't like metal and never will but this was such a coup, denying X Factor the Xmas number one that it has to be on the list.  A real fuck you song, gabber heads will of course want to hear Under Control by Masters Of Ceremony which uses a fuckload of samples from this.


Number 8.

Queen Bohemian Rhapsody.

Number one way back in 1975 and this will possibly be the oldest song on the list bar a few things.  A full on joy to listen and a real sing along classic, I've grown to like this over the years.  You may want to listen to Love Kills by Freddie Mercury which has the bonus of  Giorgio Moroder on this as well.

Number 7.

Gary Jules Mad World.

I have a real penchant for sad songs so this is a total shoe in to be here.  From the 2001 film Donnie Darko, its a reworking of an old Tears For Fears song, but much slower and sombre in tenure.  This is my quintessential Xmas number one right here.

Number 6.

Rolf Harris Two Little Boys

It gets worse there's a Gary Glitter song that made it to number 2 as well, mercifully I think Glitter is an utter cunt so he's not going on here.  I've written before about how I've a lot of respect for what Rolf did (apart from molest kids) so I'm glad he made it to an Xmas number 1. Its an unashamed novelty song which makes it part of Christmas, (if you can tab off and listen like I did with Versalife Harness Technology playing at the same time, this makes it triply disturbing). Also Ghetto Rolf Jerome Hill is pretty good too.

Number 5.

Pink Floyd Another Brick In The Wall Part 2.

Oi Glitter leave those kids alone.  I think its time you know to acknowledge how great this is and in light of Rolf above to leave those kids alone.  There is a massive amount of kiddy choir tat (there's no one quite like Grandma I'm looking at you) for Xmas so it's a surprise to see what made it to number one.

Number 4.

The Beatles Magical Mystery Tour EP.
I've selected I Am The Walrus here but there are a few number 1s and 2s to choose from.  You could of had I Feel Fine or I Wanna Hold Your Hand in place of this but for sheer surreality I'm adding I am The Walrus from the Magical Mystery Tour EP as a valiant runner up.

Number 3.

Mike Flowers Pops Wonderwall.

A cover of Oasis that made it to Number 2.  I know its cheesy and stupid but I hate those Manc bastards with all my heart and quite frankly this is the ultimate piss take on the brothers Gallagher.  I suppose they took it with their usual good humour, not they would have bitched and whined like a little girl. 

Number 2.

Candy Dulfer / Dave Stewart Lily Was here

I promised you some foreign stuff and the last two made it to the top of the charts at christmas in the Netherlands in 1989 and 1996 respectively.  No one gives a fuck about the xmas number one outside of the UK, and the USA list is like a who's who of stale white trash and rap.  I would have added wailing care in the community landwhale Mariah Carey's One Sweet day if I didn't think the reggae cover was miles better.   So its this with the bloke out of the Eurythmics and the Orb's remix of this no doubt.  Plus I actually own this physically which is a bonus.

Number 1.

 

Gabbertje Hakkuhbar

Looking for chart info on who came runner up at christmas abroad  is non existent outside the UK, and these were scalped from a long list of yearly no 1 singles. With that there will be no number 2s from the Netherlands (there will be no Zwarte Piet songs either, especially those written by Miss Djax and her partner).  I would have searched for the German equivalent list but would really wouldn't like to see a list of scat porn that would inevitably show up.   So its this at number one.  Don't get miffed if yours didn't make it,  I could have added Like A Virgin By Madonna and there are a few Elvis tracks should have appeared here too. 

Personally Rotterdam Termination Source's Merry X Mess should have shown up but am unsure of its chart position (if any) and maybe Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls which for some reason didn't make it.  Still this is the non christmassy christmas list.

Xmas is coming

Not much doing this week gearing up for Christmas and the like, have all my presents bought and wrapped  and a stupid works night out at the end of the week coming so really not looking forward to that.

Here is a round up of things and a list of stuff to read that will tide you over till I get a lot more time.

How Kenny Loggins Spoiled Christmas.

Mr Biffo The Digitiser Years. Starts at page 10 but with links to the earlier parts and well worth a browse me do.

Tutankhamun Tomb has hidden passages.  In fact I'm reminded of Alan Alford on the great pyramid here that the only way to know what lies within is to smash your way in.

Furthermore I have something that is an idea at the moment a non Christmas, Christmas album and that. Sure everyone loves a bit of Jona Lewie and The Pogues Fairytale of New York but most Christmas No. 1s are not remotely Christmassy at all.  I'll need a bit more time on this but will see if I can drum up a list of Non Christmas Xmas songs.

The Masters.

Been watching a lot of snooker this week.  Mostly on Eurosport and the like, its got some weird team up issues as well.  The BBC has the pick of the commentators including John Virgo and the dynamic duo of Ken Doherty and Dennis Taylor which is pretty cool leaving the Eurosport guys with the likes of Neal Foulds and the rather flat team of Ronnie O Sullivan and Jimmy White.  There is something up with the likes of Jimmy though, I keep staring at his head for the strangest reasons, I don't know if its a wig or just a really strange haircut, but his head seems to have his hair drawn on, like someones balanced a wig on a turnip its off putting and utterly hypnotic in equal measures.   Also noticed in the background that they had Citizen Khan on, so it looks like Eurosport is running a naughty step for those who are out of line, can't imagine anyone watching this for fun.

Apart from that we have the first non English final I've ever seen in Snooker, we have Neil Robertson an Aussie playing Liang Wenbo from China which is cool.  I've watched a few matches they've played in and they've been quite fun.  Neil has really been crushing all opposition including beating Mark Selby 6-0 in the semi to set up this meeting. 

All I can say about Liang's matches is this (second video down).  Such exuberance, such passion and bad luck to David Grace on the pink, they were some tough old shots he put out on the green and brown only to lose out on the pink but there you go.  Its a funny old game snooker.