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| Come on you cunts lets ave some afx xmas. |
My own criteria are as follows.
No mention of Christmas, sure I use Slade's Merry Christmas Everybody as a sign that the festive season is on us and The Pogues with Kirsty MaColl's Fairy Tale of New York is a stone cold classic but you'll hear them a dozen times over the course of December which will drive you nuts. So they are out. Along with Paul McCartney's Wonderful Christmas time. They'll be some Beatles though.
No Cliff Richard or X Factor singles. I'm atheist so the thought of worshiping Jesus' birthday, let alone with some second rate shit is anathema to me, and quite frankly Cliff is shite of the highest magniturd. Christmas to me is families, presents and quality TV not some co opted Pagan tradition. Which neatly ties in with X Factor, which has patently destroyed Saturday night TV and the Xmas tradition of the charity single by putting some populist Karaoke bollocks at the top of the charts every fucking year. Some of the Christmas campaigns against this are quite entertaining though and there is definitely one on the list.
Only Number 1's and Number 2's allowed. Its a stupid lavatorial joke which equals the quality of the actual Christmas single, only those that made it to either number 1 or 2 are in don't care which country. Which means you wont get Altern 8 Activ8 (last years anti X factor campaign Rave Against The Machine) or Happy Cliffmas by Cassetteboy.
Here is a full run down of all UK number ones to date.
Here is an unofficial top 10 and that.
Number 10.
A nice cheerful song for you to start it all off. Stan made it to Number 2 here, kept off the top of the charts by Bob The Builder. A bitter blow, as I love this Christmas slice of misery. The loop here is from Dido Here with me which makes it all the more haunting.
Number 9.
I don't like metal and never will but this was such a coup, denying X Factor the Xmas number one that it has to be on the list. A real fuck you song, gabber heads will of course want to hear Under Control by Masters Of Ceremony which uses a fuckload of samples from this.
Number 8.
Queen Bohemian Rhapsody.
Number one way back in 1975 and this will possibly be the oldest song on the list bar a few things. A full on joy to listen and a real sing along classic, I've grown to like this over the years. You may want to listen to Love Kills by Freddie Mercury which has the bonus of Giorgio Moroder on this as well.
Number 7.
I have a real penchant for sad songs so this is a total shoe in to be here. From the 2001 film Donnie Darko, its a reworking of an old Tears For Fears song, but much slower and sombre in tenure. This is my quintessential Xmas number one right here.
Number 6.
It gets worse there's a Gary Glitter song that made it to number 2 as well, mercifully I think Glitter is an utter cunt so he's not going on here. I've written before about how I've a lot of respect for what Rolf did (apart from molest kids) so I'm glad he made it to an Xmas number 1. Its an unashamed novelty song which makes it part of Christmas, (if you can tab off and listen like I did with Versalife Harness Technology playing at the same time, this makes it triply disturbing). Also Ghetto Rolf Jerome Hill is pretty good too.
Number 5.
Oi Glitter leave those kids alone. I think its time you know to acknowledge how great this is and in light of Rolf above to leave those kids alone. There is a massive amount of kiddy choir tat (there's no one quite like Grandma I'm looking at you) for Xmas so it's a surprise to see what made it to number one.
Number 4.
I've selected I Am The Walrus here but there are a few number 1s and 2s to choose from. You could of had I Feel Fine or I Wanna Hold Your Hand in place of this but for sheer surreality I'm adding I am The Walrus from the Magical Mystery Tour EP as a valiant runner up.
Number 3.
A cover of Oasis that made it to Number 2. I know its cheesy and stupid but I hate those Manc bastards with all my heart and quite frankly this is the ultimate piss take on the brothers Gallagher. I suppose they took it with their usual good humour, not they would have bitched and whined like a little girl.
Number 2.
Candy Dulfer / Dave Stewart Lily Was here
I promised you some foreign stuff and the last two made it to the top of the charts at christmas in the Netherlands in 1989 and 1996 respectively. No one gives a fuck about the xmas number one outside of the UK, and the USA list is like a who's who of stale white trash and rap. I would have added wailing care in the community landwhale Mariah Carey's One Sweet day if I didn't think the reggae cover was miles better. So its this with the bloke out of the Eurythmics and the Orb's remix of this no doubt. Plus I actually own this physically which is a bonus.
Number 1.
Gabbertje Hakkuhbar
Looking for chart info on who came runner up at christmas abroad is non existent outside the UK, and these were scalped from a long list of yearly no 1 singles. With that there will be no number 2s from the Netherlands (there will be no Zwarte Piet songs either, especially those written by Miss Djax and her partner). I would have searched for the German equivalent list but would really wouldn't like to see a list of scat porn that would inevitably show up. So its this at number one. Don't get miffed if yours didn't make it, I could have added Like A Virgin By Madonna and there are a few Elvis tracks should have appeared here too.
Personally Rotterdam Termination Source's Merry X Mess should have shown up but am unsure of its chart position (if any) and maybe Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls which for some reason didn't make it. Still this is the non christmassy christmas list.
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