All we want for Xmas is Cactus.

The mail has been at it again with some dreadful copy by Sarah Rainey about cacti and Millennials.   Specifically a few lines about popularity and that, saying that they're not cheap and a few lies about flowering and toxicity.

They do talk to a few people from our side including Eddy Harris (really enjoyed his articles on Mesembs in the journal) and the people from Cactusland a.k.a Southfield Nurseries (we have a leaflet knocking around of theirs indoors).  They also mention Monty Don as being a fan as well as failed abortions Smiley Virus, whacko Jacko's Daughter and Cara Monobrow as being fans, which I can find fuck all about, outside this article.

There is the usual cliche of them being desert plants, when from numerous talks I've been to, have seen them in various dry environments from roadside banks, pine woods, lurking in dense scrub to mountains covered in snow and rolling plains.

They cover a few species here which is nice. They name drop Blossfeldia Liliputana, a weird loner of a species that is the smallest cactus in the world, Kinda lump Welwitschia in with the greater Cactaceae (its not, though it is part of the complex that has Ephedra  in it), its long lived and has only one pair of leaves its entire life.  They also think a Haageocereus is worth £200,000 (mine cost a £1 though that's Decumbens and not the endangered Tenuis, still not a looker mind).  Oh and they seem to think that the glochids of Cylindropuntia Fulgida are poisonous, rather than highlight their strange fruiting arrangement (short version they will throw out a bud on last years fruit).  She gets brownie points for pointing out that they have juice in their fruits as well, which is also akin to beetroot in its ability to stain everything.

There is a run down of species which I'll add here, paraphrased to fuck.

(c) Joyce Coccozza

 Echeveria.  A genus of 180 species (I don't have the lexicon here to check its probably right.)  Used in floral clocks, rock gardens and bridal displays.  Can be propagated from stray leaves (some species only).  Part of the Crassulaceae.

This is from a trip to Kew.

Sanseveria. Mother in Laws tongue, supposedly tough but I managed to kill mine so would tolerate a bit of heat.  Flowers look like a bog brush.  Worth £20 or so, but you do see these at boot sales along with Aloes so worth keeping a look out there.  Succulent, still not a cactus.

Pinya De Rosa

Opuntia.  Can be a bastard to flower in the UK, though if it does its worth it,  Better known as prickly pears or Cholla to some, split into a few different families now.  All of them evil spined.
Finally a proper cactus.

They don't flower here.

Euphorbia.  Poisonous as hell, with an irritant milky sap and a variety of shapes and sizes.  Includes the popular architectural plant, you see in photo shoots and lifestyle supplements, stuck on a wall way out of any direct sunlight, its no wonder it doesn't flower.  Pro tip, if it has two spines coming directly from the main stem, sort of at a right angle, with no central spine and ring of smaller spines its a Euphorbia.  Not a cactus but looks like one, flowers can be unimpressive.

You all know this.

Finally Schlumbergera. The crab or Christmas cactus.  You will have seen these on sale in shops now its Christmas time.  I don't need to add much, except that there is a Schlumberger House near Gatwick Airport, which is nothing to do with the plant, and everything to do with oil mines (genuinely didn't know that).
Oh and yes its a cactus,