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Sunday, 30 June 2013

Holiday part 2 The Televisioning

So there was quite a bit of stuff going on whilst I was away and that, its a little stale in my mind right now and after detailing all the trips out I made last time it only seems fair that I give you a run down on what else was happening.

We stayed at the Golden Hotel Taurus Park in Pineda De Mar, an excellent complex dealing in fine food and drink (seriously I put on about 2 pounds having pancakes for breakfast alone) and entertainment.  My room was pokey but did at least have a flat screen TV and had a niceish view of some satellite dishes and the main road.  They had a small zoo in the grounds comprising mainly of Pheasants and a lairy Peacock that predictibly we called Captain.  They also had ducks and as I love ducks this made them go up about 25% in my estimation.

These are royal ducks in spanish.
Going out of resort, Pineda de mar itself seems to have a lot of ducks as well including various places bedecked with china ducks.  The main resort was dominated by the train line running paralell to the beach providing a regular service to Blanes and in the other direction Barcelona Hospital.  The beach itself wasn't that much, dominated by coarse sand that is the near equivalent of top dressing and a sharply shelving seashore means swimming was not on the menu.

However the real meat of course is that big flat screen TV and thanks to a bastard bout of insomnia you'll get a load of stuff on channels and content. 

First up the English.  BBC1, ITVs 1-4 but not 3 and CiTV, BBC World service (possibly the worst news in the world) and the obscurites that make life living.

Fashion TV dedicated to catwalk models and modelling clothes, lots of women who could do with a good meal and the associated benders and fag hags that make up the fashion scene. 

God channels 3ABN and Sonshine TV a Filipino based outfit pumping out Jesus 24/7 run by plastinated freaks. 

ITV remains horrible but for Harry Hill doing You've been Frames and Ben Shepard gameshow Tipping point coming on like a real life version of Coindozer.

French TV is boring as fuck. Seemingly endless talk shows that blur into one and homegrown cartoons.  We did see a modern version of Garfield in french but thanks to it voice acting it just made him sound manic depressive.

RTL is something I'd heard of from satellite days (I always wanted to see Raumschiff enterprise untill I found out its just Star Trek in German). They had a few variants including SuperRTL (in fact we saw Spirited Away and its still ace even if you can't understand it) and its largely good you can't really go wrong with German stuff.  Also if you ever see Warehouse 13 in German whoever voices Artie has him spot on.

Belgium. BVM is the sole Dutch channel and what I saw of it seemed to be OK. 

Russia. We hit the motherlode with mother Russia.  With a variety of channels and our only other home for Christ in all his works, Russia soon became our favourite for weirdness.

TVRUS. (russian language)
This we readily corrupted to say TViRUS, thanks to Resident Evil.  It was home to a few oddments including a weird morning program with a funny looking old lady.  I deeply regret the one where she was looking over cucumbers and gherkins (I kid you not), if you ever saw Harry Enfields character Jurgen the German she was a dead ringer for him.

Nasch TV (Permanently borked)
This is the other goldmine. It housed some of my favourite things, an old Stories Without Words style cartoon about a Ginger cat in the sea that sank boats, heres a short clip.
Also there was an intensly strange morning television show kind hosted by two women that was deeply erotic though as I don't speak a lick of Russian probably wasn't.  Heres another short clip.
What you didn't see and Sadly I didn't catch was  them feeding each other fruit before hand.

Other stuff included an Armenian station a Macedonian station and a few God spots.  Including Soyuz TV which was Orthodox complete with priests with big bushy paedophile beards.

Finally the greatest variety, Spanish TV.  I can speak a bit of Spanish but the rate its spoken on TV is rapid so basically if you want local news be prepared to read like a bastard.  It was also home to late night porn channels detailed below.

NEOX had Viewtiful Joe anime dubbed into spanish, which I never knew existed. There was shedloads of Doraemon mainly on Kids TV Boing its never ever been translated (along with Captain Tsubasa) but remains entertaining nonetheless.   I saw Big Brother at like 3am and even then it still didn't put me to sleep. 
They have MTV in Spain and even dubbed its a waste of fucking time. They had Welsh fuckwit show The Valleys dubbed and its still cock awful. They also had a spanish original based on Alaska (of Raskayu fame) she / he seems to have been to the same school as Pete Burns as I couldn't make out what sex he / she was.

Finally I promised you teh pron, so here are all the channels that have some adult content as far as I could tell.
BOM / 8TV. Catalan language SFW.
These were largely the same deal some stripping plus onscreen text chat. We have it in the UK but it seems largely for a Gay audience and there is no stripping. 

Martv Catalan Public Access.

Largely stripping in the wee small hours, some women a bit ropey but there were a few stunners there. Seems to be between 12.30 till 5.30, Rest of the time is public access television with parochial ads and at the moment some dumb stage play.

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