Sodding Band Aid, one of the most predictable things at Christmas time is the trotting out of the same old songs. Whether its Slade or Wizzard or Paul McCartney singing about Golden Labradors come down from the sky (he doesn't of course its Wonderful Christmas time) certain songs have to be played in my eyes so that everyone knows its Christmas. This track used to be about famine relief in Africa but now it isn't, I could point out all the inaccuracies that it holds (one, if nothing ever grows then why is there a big fuck off rainforest belt across the whole central half of Africa) but instead I'll fashionably whale on it because its bastard terrible.
This year its being released to coincide with Ebola relief, a good 9 months after the horrendous outbreak in West Africa and subsequent cases occurring in the western world. Incidentally its not the first time this digital Ebola has broken out, they had Dido on the 20th anniversary version and complete with a terrible rap too if memory serves correct. Also they've changed the lyrics so it isn't thank god its them instead of us anymore. Now its ten times more patronising.
So who is in this years line up: I'll summarise below if you're too lazy to click the link
1,2,4,6. Bastille. Fucking terrible electro house group, did that rework of Rhythm of the Night / Rhythm is a Dancer song that was all over Kiss FM.
3. Bloke from Elbow. Don't really care about Elbow but there you go.
5. Chris Martin from Coldplay. I suppose it pays the bills now he's split from Gwynneth Paltrow, but I've never liked Coldplay, ever and am not going to start now.
7. Seal. Fact fans my first record I can remember buying was Adamski Killer on which he did vocals. So he's a legend.
8. Bob Fecking Geldof. Who's beginning to resemble Jimmy Saville with his massive grey locks.
9. Karl Hyde From Underworld. Why in all gods name are you here, you should be re releasing Dark and Long on Junior Boys Own not pissing about on a charity single.
10. Roger Taylor from Queen. Fair enough, Queen were ace shame that Freddie Mercury never made it on the original that would have rocked.
11,12,25. Various Youtube Vermin. They are supposedly big among "the yoot" but hardly household names or singers, nor have I ever seen Google promote them in the sidebar like Shane Fucking Dawson or Pewdiepie. Would have preferred MrSimon, McMangos and Ashens with his Engrish Violin, cos lets face it it could do with some livening up and at least I respect those guys.
16-19 One Dimension. Because you really aren't getting enough Jailbait to buy your record as it is. Incidentally, Harry Styles face always looks like they've blow dried a King Charles Spaniel and its stuck.
20. Olly Murs. Heart favourite and Xfactor runner up. Sad to say but I like Olly, his songs ain't bad at all.
21. Sinead O'Connor. An odd choice, but at least she can sing you may know her from Nothing Compares To U.
22. Ellie Goulding. Another good choice if only because her album Halcyon sounds like an old Orbital single.
23. Jessie Ware. Not a fucking clue.
24. Ed Sheeran. He did Drunk which is boss and a lot of other stuff that isn't.
26. Angelique Kidjo. Because its all too white and middle class, we need some African stars in there, but mainly because Wombo Lombo (Junior Vasquez Mix) was the bomb.
27. Emeli Sande. Fucking hell although she has at least came out and monstered the song itself, but damn she is everything as is.
28. Paloma Faith. Left wing Amy Winehouse clone.
29 and 30. Is Midge Ure from Ultravox and That's U2's Bono Vox.
Theres a few more but you get the drift.