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Sunday 15 May 2011

Room 101.

You know the book and the old TV show with Paul Merton / Nick Hancock. A place where all the evils of the world dwell and then some. Here's wikipaedia with a much better explanation of what I just said.

The TV show is the one I'm talking about Willis. Just so that we are on the same side here, we'll use the same criteria of the show, thats five picks of the worst shite imaginable, and we'll shove them into a pit.  Its my own personal list of suck. I'm known to like most things without exception, so  if some of them come across as strange or odd then so be it.  Its individualism dude, get over it.

Entrant 1. Marzipan.

I have never really liked this ever, and where there are foodstuffs of equal nastiness, {Baked beans come to mind} this is probably the worst of the lot for me.  Nasty bitter almonds and sugar combined to form vague explosive like blocks, that ruin christmas and wedding cakes.  In fact every cake it touches, how much better would battenberg be with a chocolate outer layer than one of crappy marzipan.

Entrant 2. Jehovas Witnesses.

Never understood this religion, their whole end of world millenarianism and steadfast belief that Christ is invisible and that all blood is sacred.  Oh and that knocking on doors can some how lead you to accepting Jesus into your life rather than a polite but heartfelt fuck off you weirdos.
Actually my hate on Jehovas comes from this belief i've held as a small child, that they are supremely unlucky, and coming into contact with them or their material will cause bad luck to follow you.  More exposure the more bad luck you'll receive.  I didn't say it was remotely rational, but that is what I sincerely believe.

Entrant 3. N-Dubz.

This could actually stand for Robbie Williams and his smug git ways, chirpy little can't Justin "Beeble" Bieber, or any number of hot, fresh new acts they punt on Kiss FM that simply fall into a massive grey audio sludge of rappers with recycled hooks.  What sets  the Dubz apart is this.  They aren't just rappers but they are also massive bell ends too.  Fappy and Dazer (we do know their real names) oh and Tulisa the only fittish one there, like a refugee from a Ben Dover council pram face special (and yeah I would watch that). There's plenty of decent talent in the UK at the moment,  Alison Moyet's daughter Adele, Katy B, Tinie Tempah (who went to St Pauls School and definitely passed by our house if we could remember which one he was.)
 The Advent, Underworld, Slam, Aphex Twin, Squarepusher, Ceephax I could list more, but all have more worth then remploy kids in funny hats that can rap.

Entrant 4. Cilla Black.

We would also like Nick Knowles taken into consideration.  Any way Cilla like a gopher in drag, all scouse accent and teeth.  We would put up a photo of her in a light up dress taken at Kids on speed, Comic Relief but its really not for those with faint hearts.  Like Knowlesy, Cilla is a mass of insincere, see also Inscincere Dave Cameron for a masterclass in smarm.  Thats Cilla done.

Final Entrant. Storms.

This is about the only true Room 101 experience here, I really have a phobia about Storms.  I got caught out in one when only 3 in Greenwich park and had to shelter through it with my Mum and that to say it was horrible is an understatement, from that day forward I've hated them.  Sure I can look at lightning pictures and say that they are pretty, but the actual real thing is over in milliseconds a flash then a rumble or a crash all uncertainty and terror.  In my ideal world they would hang like stalactites in the sky slowly over millions of years growing extra bits of electricity till they reach the ground and discharge into harmless showers of sparks. Oh and all thunder would be subsonic or at least under 10 decibels.  Of course there is no way in the world that this would ever be workable, weather just isn't like that.
Seeing as I don't believe maybe you could put in a word with god dear reader to make it so.   

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